Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
You Might Also Like
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
When news reporters do sports stories
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.