my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
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Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.