I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
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[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
felt cute might bury dad later idk
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.