Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
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I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
“We will wed,” I threatened
I miss this era type of pranks😭
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.