Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
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Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Duck typos.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.