Dyslexics are teople poo!
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Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
Feels
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”