E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
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oh you wanna fight?!
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Thrilling chase underway
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
My dog after a walk in the woods.