A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
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Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.