E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
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Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Wake me when AI does housework
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
What a year we’ve had this week.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.