E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
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Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.