E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
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I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Finally! 😈
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait