@ms_woodsy: Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don't have any friends.
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@platinum2000: [Haunted House] Ghost:You've been here a week Me: I like you G:You knew what this was M: I thought I was your boo G: I say that to everyone
@MartaEffing: A bead of sweat forms on my brow. And another. Intensity builds as I decide my future and embrace it. "I'll take the maple bar, please."
@TexasHickspanic: The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
@TheFunnyWorId: Why is peter pan always flying? He neverlands. I like this joke because it never grows old.