Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
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My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness