@Brentweets: Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can't keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
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@captaincoximus: If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
@Midgetspar: Being a "Hopeless Romantic" sounds kinda depressing. "Pull my chair out for me?" .. "I'd love to, but I've given up."
@KalvinMacleod: LUMINEERS: we have a new song PRODUCER: what's it about? L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources P: what's it called? L: Susan
@LeBearGirdle: Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?! Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope