@mellimelle: Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can't say no because they're my husband & children.
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@chuuew: [Séance] *knock, knock* ME: Wh-who's there? [ouija board spells out A-T-C-H] ME: atch who? [spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U] ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
@urfavoritejoel: I say "Hey man, I got your back." He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. "Baby got back." I say
@novicefather: I'm at my most audacious and brazen when I shamelessly use words like audacious and brazen.
@ArfMeasures: INTERVIEWER: When did u last work? ME [shrugs] Months ago INTERVIEWER: That's a long time not to be employed ME: Oh no I'm still employed