@mellimelle: Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can't say no because they're my husband & children.
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@GypsyWingss: Mom: a little birdie told me you got drunk last night Me: you're the one friggen talking to birds
@Matt_The_1st: Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
@iRowlf: Lowe's banned me for yelling "From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!", as I explained how much carpet I needed.