Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
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Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint