Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
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I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born