Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
You Might Also Like
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk