@TheBosha: Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
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@SardonicTart: Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable. Trainer: Ok now start pedaling. Me: What?
@DamienFahey: "VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!" - Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
@michaelianblack: As new head of Westboro Baptist Church, I'm expanding who God hates. To start: delivery guys, vegetarians, and people who do Sudoku.
@pittdave13: For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK. This isn't funny, what isle is it in