Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
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Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
HR said no more nunchucks.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me