@TheBosha: Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
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@ProdigyNelson: [1st time buying drugs] Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas* Me: hell ya
@Lani_Hayden: Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: How many legs does the dog have? 4 y.o: Five Me: There’s something wrong with your counting. 4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
@melliemeow: I have on my new shoes today. They are so cute, and comfortable, as long as I don't stand in them or walk in them.