@TheBosha: Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
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@QwertyJones3: Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it's cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
@Darchstar078: My bank called me today to alert me my card was used for a gym membership and they doubted it was legit because they see where I go to eat.
@SlipperySecret: Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex: I think I love you. Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window: Okay....
@djdarrellripley: Me: HOLY SHIT! We've been robbed! Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police? Me: (Sigh) No, I'm calling the burglars to congratulate them..