Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
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Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.