Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
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This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.