Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
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“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
A duv-egg? In this economy?
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
The point of your 20s
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST