Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
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COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
i was baptized in a car wash
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣