Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
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“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—