Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
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[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
#SuperBowl
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.