early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
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When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Oh my God.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.