Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
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[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
That lamp looks PISSED.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
synchronized noseblowing
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.