Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
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Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
My patience has stretch marks.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges