EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
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If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.