Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
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I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern