Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
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This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
I created you as mosquito food.
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.