Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
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Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
britain’s three elite institutions
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
Yes
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong