EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
You Might Also Like
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.