[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
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Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.