[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
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*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
That earthquake could have been an email.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.