Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
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I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
love it when they get my name right
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
moms in horror movies
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
My therapist after every session
He-man has a Masters degree