Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
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Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”