@TheTweetOfGod: Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
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@AndyRichter: If you're not carrying around matchbooks from places you've been recently I don't know why you don't want your murder to be solved
@DepecheALAmode: Moths are really just butterflies on meth, all angry and shit while head-butting light bulbs and biting holes in your favorite shirt.
@TheDailySchmuck: Damn, girl, are you Terms and Conditions? Because I just want to blindly agree to whatever you say.
@MalcInYourWife: So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said. I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.