EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
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Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!