Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
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I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart