Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
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my dad has had enough
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.