Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
You Might Also Like
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
I have never related to anyone more.
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.