Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
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Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
Chemical wingman
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe