*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
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The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Same post same
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.