God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
You Might Also Like
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.