Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
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Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
oh u like geography? name every lake
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
Perfect
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.