Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
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Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
no one likes gloating
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.