ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
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judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”