@Cheeseboy22: Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don't remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
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@DaddyJew: Me: *passes out pizza* 3: no fair, you have 4 slices and I only have 2 Me: *cuts his 2 slices into 6 slices* 3: wow, thank you
@Storminika: You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn't used to be?
@weinerdog4life: Turn your proctologist into a magician by stuffing 45 feet of scarves in your butt.
@wittwitbarista: I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who's nutritionally responsible for two children.