Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
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DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.