Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
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This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.