Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
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Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10