My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
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Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
men, we mow at sunrise.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster