“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
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Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
Webb. James Webb.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.